Last night, I had the distinct pleasure of dressing up and going out by myself. Nikki offered me a comp to opening night of Enchanted April at Taproot and, despite myself, I went. This week was tough. Reality can really beat the crap out of you sometimes. As a result, I was feeling fragile and inward and dumb and thought I didn't want to be around people I know and admire who are actually leading lives outside of their homes. But, as most things that involve relationships, showing up was the thing that mattered most.
After I put the girls to bed, there was time to dress up, which is something I haven't done since I went to Matt and Amanda's wedding on May 23. I haven't done my ironing in months and my laundry (that I am now using as a blanket as I type) is in piles too, so I put on the only suitable option- a deep turquoise knit dress that Carmen spied on the sale rack at Nordstrom years ago.
By the time Sam was done with Manny, I was done with me and was starting to get uncomfortable. For one thing, there was no time for shaving and my nylons were itchy. But the bigger deal was that I felt like I was wearing pajamas. When you spend your life in mom clothes, it feels downright inappropriate (and a little bit exciting) to be wearing a dress that hits above the knee and has a plunging neckline. I felt half naked most of the night, but thankfully had a gift bag for Nikki that I could use as a prop for extra coverage.
I worked at Taproot for five years and that was five years ago. In a way, it doesn't feel that long. But the stack of diapers waiting to be stuffed on my knees is testimony to how much can change in very little time. I sat close to Karen, who directed the show and was at Taproot long before I ever started. She had a baby right when I began working there, and one day, she let me hold Hannah while she had a meeting. While in my care, Hannah had a blow-out. I am certain I was not familiar with this term then. At the time, I thought blow-outs were an unusual occurence. Ha. Hannah is so grown and beautiful now, but she still looks new. My children look so new. I don't anymore, but they do and I revel in their beauty.
The show was about people who appreciate sunshine and wisteria and whose lives are transformed in Italy, which seems to happen a lot. Is it fairy tale or is Italy really that great? Maybe I should go and arrange to meet everyone I am unreconciled to so we can be healed, enlightened and enriched. But since I have these babies, I guess I will just keep eating biscotti and drinking espresso and hanging out with my Italian friend Amy. Those are three revelations right here.
I'm so glad I went last night. I was reminded how good it is to laugh a little too hard in public and that it is possible to keep one's new year's resolution and accept a compliment, even when I feel like I am missing my pants and I was reminded that other people see me differently than I see myself. A little kinder perhaps. Oh and I made a good joke that I didn't think of ahead of time and the two other people I was talking with laughed and I didn't even follow it up with anything slightly embarrassing or inappropriate. It was simply perfect and so was my gift for Nikki (though I was sorry to give away my prop) and I was glad to show up for her because of how many times she's shown up for me.
It was late when I got home and the morning came too fast. But apparently Glory got the memo that I really enjoy the comedy and costumes because she immediately brought me a pair of pink polka-dotted roll socks and blue and white striped bloomers to wear over her too-tight footie pajamas, her thin, longish hair flopping up and down with each step. She was laughter in motion and I forgot that it was 6am and that I was back to mom clothes and that my children don't know I am a person outside of them. But then again, maybe I'm not. I vaguely remember who I was before this experience, and she is in there somewhere, but all of us, all the Angies, are melding together like flavors in a stew and even though it's hot, I want to stay in this pot because the aroma is sweet and something good is coming together. And I haven't even been to Italy yet.